i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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