I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
