I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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