dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
sarcasm needs its own font
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
