Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
