I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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