So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
