I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
