They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
