She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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