Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
