the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i think i scared a bird with my dick
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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