I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
