i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
