my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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