he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you have to choose: penises or morals?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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