Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
