goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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