My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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