He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
