I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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