can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
