half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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