I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
