booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
