i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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