my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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