I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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