he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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