Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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