Pappa wants mamma naked
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
