How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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