There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
