so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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