I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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