Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
now i know why i became what i already was.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
