you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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