So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Everyone says I win the strip club
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm like, not good at living.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
