I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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