The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
