Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize