Small penises have feelings too.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We're too hungover to prance.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
