My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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