I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
