I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
