RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
