I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
