Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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