it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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