well I can't set my house on fire every night
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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