Fine. I'll sleep in my office
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
