Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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