I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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