he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
