hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
